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Trying to bring the room back up a little

June 8, 2011

I can’t even think of another metaphor for how this negotiation is making me feel. Oh, wait. Here’s one from Fantastic Mr. Fox: “a wet sandwich.” Yes, I feel like a wet sandwich.

But a triumphant wet sandwich. LOD and I ended up with a doozy of a scheduling problem that involved needing the kind of childcare there is no way we could a) find, or b) afford, here in NYC. So I came up with a solution that is slightly insane but is going to solve our problem this time. It hinges on our mutual willingness to ignore something many parents are very into.

One of the things that’s been so shocking to me about being divorced is realizing how extremely few things LOD and I both care about. When we met and got married it was like, “You like dark chocolate?? I like dark chocolate, too!” But now that we’re not trying to hold something together that never really was even together, the fact that our priorities are so different in so many areas that come into play on a daily basis has become obvious. And a little sad for me.

So it’s kind of a joy to realize that while we don’t care about many things in common, we seem to Not Care about many of the same things. You’d think that wouldn’t be important, but anyone who’s been a parent for more than 10 minutes knows that it’s as much about what you don’t prioritize as what you do prioritize. So even though we struggle with a lot, at least there are things we can just both say “meh” to and move on from. And sometimes that can be the key to finding solutions to things that look like enormous problems.

6 Comments leave one →
  1. June 8, 2011 1:58 pm

    Congrats on finding a solution! And thank goodness for shared areas of not-caring.

  2. June 8, 2011 2:55 pm

    Yes! That is awesome! The ability to agree on what is UNimportant is way underrated.

  3. June 8, 2011 3:07 pm

    It’s so funny to me how similar our situations are in so many ways, and this is another one. The ex and I have practically nothing in common, and are not interested in any of the same things (why I didn’t realize this when we were first dating, I have no idea). But when it comes to parenting, and the stuff to let go of, we almost always agree. It’s useful, when everything else is such a battle, to have SOMETHING.

  4. Celeste permalink
    June 8, 2011 8:04 pm

    Worst case scenario is you guys are total opposites right down the line and neither is able to give an inch. That doesn’t sound like the case here, and thank God for that for your kids’ sakes.

  5. June 15, 2011 4:31 pm

    That’s interesting. Nobody would have predicted that I would have a happy marriage with a jock when I couldn’t care less about sports, and he couldn’t care less about reading a book every day, but we agree on how to raise the children mostly, and we never run out of stuff to talk about re kids, family, current events…we agree politically…that’s really a good way to put it. We don’t care about the same things. I never thought of it like that! We don’t care about becoming zillionaires, we don’t care about the kids kicking up their heels a little bit during the impending adolescence, we don’t think kids should be forced to perform like trained ponies or study every second of the day, we don’t care about having a wildly active social life outside the house…Normal social life, yes, but I know spouses who are miserable because one wants to go go go to every event in town and the other wants to stay home and relax after work…very interesting. I learn something new every time you guys post.


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